The Cats in the Hat... Or, The Rats in the Slammer! by Arlene Peck

Arlene Peck

The Cats in the Hat... Or, The Rats in the Slammer!

By Arlene Peck

Don't you feel ever so much safer now that Sadam is having his lice checked and sitting in some desolate jail? However, now I feel a little confused as to how we, in the United States can be so joyful and happy while Israelis Ace of Spades is still meeting with foreign dignitaries and calling the shots in his hovel in Nablus. Woe for the Christians in Bethlehem because the Muslims have terrorized them to the point where they've all fled and their numbers are few! Oh, the unfairness of it all!

However, since the Chanukah season is upon us, I've decided to 'lighten up' and enjoy the days ahead. Readers have been sending me in points to ponder and I want to share some of them with you. Besides, Chanukah stories are good. You can't be nailed to the menorah.and, you never have a silent night when a room full of Jewish family and friends get together. As the old saying goes, "Yes, Rivka'le, there is no Santa Clause" Has anyone told them that Irving Berlin was Jewish and he wrote all those Christmas songs? But, then again, so was Jesus. And that never stopped them from wanting to kill us. Jesus didn't leave home till he was thirty, went into his fathers business, thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was G-d. You would be amazed at how many Jewish men, probably reading this now, still have that same attitude.

One of the best reasons that we have Chanukah is that there are no awkward explanations of virgin births. Since it's long past time to educate the Palestinians and bring them into the 21st century, maybe this might be a good time to sit down with Arafat and have him ponder his jihad promises.

Hey, I know that the bomber gets promised 72 virgins, but, what if he's gay? Does he get male virgins? Or, if he's bi.does he get 36 of each? I know that Yassar will be able to identify with that situation as have you ever seen him play 'kissy-face' with virtually every man who comes to visit him in his very own 'spider hole" However, if the bomber has the bad hygiene habits that Arafat is reported to have, and he's as ugly and the virgins don't want anything to do with him, what happens then?

Better yet, suppose all 72 virgins are virgins because they're ugly and would they have to wear Burqas even there? Since the Arabs don't have unions I suppose there wouldn't be a problem in them striking if they weren't satisfied? Actually, knowing their track record with women, I think that Muslim hell for women would be to be selected as one of the virgins. Maybe the Koran had a typo and they really meant to promise a 72 year old virgin.

Hey, maybe Allah has a sense of humor that we don't know about and has chosen a clone of Lorena Bobbit to be one of their virgins waiting for him on his trip to Paradise

Seventy-two of anything just might be a tiny bit excessive. Do you think that it's just stupidity that makes all of the bombers somewhere within their teenaged years? Or, do you think that possibly an older terrorists might need the Viagra and would rather have a warm glass of goat milk instead?

Lot of questions.If the first virgin that Arafat promises out of his 72 waiting in Paradise, is no good, then what happens? Will Allah be there to replace her or is he just stuck with the other 71? Do the Arab virgins with experience count more, even though she acquired it from her brother who put her in Paradise in the first place in the form of "honor killings" because she shamed the family? Actually, from what I've read about the rate of de-flowering their family members, would he be put on a waiting list upon arrival in terrorists Paradise because of the lack of availability?

Hmm, I know the southern Baptist is big on being born again. Do you think that once they're deflowered, are they born again or just replaced by new virgins? Maybe there is some sort of a temp agency where they just call in sick and get replaced? After all, being stuck with the same 72 strangers for an eternity could get old kind of fast.

Knowing the chauvinistic attitude about women in the Arab world and it's a well known fact that they treat their farm animals better does it hold true in Paradise? It's true that when it comes to sending their women into schools, restaurants and buses in Israel with bombs strapped onto their bodies, women are preferred. But, what happens to her if she succeeds? Does she get 72 male virgins and, if so, how do they prove their virginity? I suppose it could get awkward in any event if the bomber knew and dated any of them previously. I don't know too much about Arab lesbianism, although I wouldn't much blame them for that being the flavor of choice. But, what if the girl bomber is a lesbian, would they convert her or the virgins... or would that be a good time to make the switch?

Living out here in the land of Hollywood, I can see the prospect of new businesses opening up. They have scouts for everything else. Why not virgins? Actually, now that I think of it, do they exist in the land of Britney Spears?

I suppose celibate bomber/ terrorists don't have too much to look forward to. Maybe just getting to meet Allah is sufficient? It would be interesting to know if they blow themselves up while building the bomb it Allah gives them credit. Maybe he just gets an inflatable doll and calls it even.

Arlene Peck is a syndicated columnist and talk show host. She doesn't practice "political correctness," but tells it just like it is. This website is proud to present her work because we don't practice political correctness either. Visit Arlene's Homepage

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