Where's my stimulus check?

Economic stimulus payments explained

This year (2009?), taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Q: What about the people who didn't work and pay taxes? What will they get?
A: They'll get a smidgen of the taxes you paid as well, maybe even more than you, so don't worry about them.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
• If you buy a car, it will probably go to Japan.
• If you purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY) or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

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